Regret
by Just 2 Dream of You
Summary: "There's no greater pain than regret." A series of one-shots featuring Rumple and his family. Chapter 4: 2x08: Gold realizes how similar Henry and Bae are.
1. Rehearsed

Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT

**1x20**

* * *

Rehearsed

X -x-x-x-x- X

August stood in the chilled forest, knowing it wouldn't be long before Gold took the bait. He knew his room had been broken into and he knew that the old deal maker was stalking him; asking questions - always watching. He sighed as he heard footsteps.

_No going back._

He turned to see him; this figure shroud in folklore and mystery wearing a winter coat and using a cane to walk. It was hilarious to think about it. This_ creature_ that could kill in a second, was nothing more than an older man here. He had seen him before but it was still a shock to the system.

_Perhaps this is what he was when...which is why he was asked..._

He didn't have time to think about that now. He had other reasons for doing this now, his _own _reasons.

"I know who you are," the once imp stated plainly with no hint of hesitation. "And I know what you're looking for."

He took a breath. "Well then...I guess all the lying can stop." More like the lying can begin. He swallowed and played his trump card. "...Papa."

Gold looked down and started walking, a slow miserable trek, limping harshly when he hit an uneven piece of ground. He soon circled August, not saying anything and just _stood _there _**looking**_ at him. He was beginning to worry if the spinner was seeing through it. Maybe when he said he knew who he was he meant he _really_ knew who he was.

That would be troubling, but then again not the end of the world. Maybe he would still help him.

He almost shook his head and laughed. Not Rumplestiltskin. He wouldn't_ help_ anybody.

A long inhale drew him from his thoughts as he began to speak. "You were right, Bae." He sighed in relief. It worked. "You were always right. I was a coward...and I never should have let you go."

_Just like his father. _

"I know it's little consolation...but I just want you to know that ever since you left, ever since you crossed the barriers of time and space, in every waking moment...I've been looking for you."

_Like his father couldn't._

"And now that I've finally found you I..." his voice was breaking and it was getting harder not to just tell him the truth and walk away. "I know I can't make up for...the past... for the lost time."

He didn't know it would be like this. He didn't know this _monster_ had a _**heart**_.

_He didn't know it would be this hard._

"All I can do is to ask you to do what you've always done; and that's to be the bigger man..." he was near tears now, choking on his own pain, _begging_ for something in return, "...and forgive me."

_Words his father could never say. _

_Why_ did he let him go? He begged him not to. He didn't want to leave and be stuck with a baby all alone in a world he had never been in. All alone without anyone to love him again.

_Just a baby._

"I'm so sorry, son."

Words he had wanted to hear his whole life came spilling over him like a hot wave of water but cold in stabbing pangs. He could see it out of the corner of his eye; a grieving father - a father's _love_ pouring out in bitter tears, something he had _ached_ for in all these lonely years.

_Just once... _

"I'm so sorry, Bae...!"

And then it all came crashing down. This wasn't _his _father. He wasn't _his_ son.

But still he could hear the pain and regret, heartache and misery pleading with wet eyes for something - _anything_ - any kind of resolution. He suddenly felt the _need_ to comfort this man, to give him what he wanted most.

_And at the same time..._

He turned and fell into him, receiving the kind of embrace he had dreamed of as a child, holding him so tight it almost hurt.

_...have a father's love._

Gold sobbed openly, not caring, cradling him as if his life depended on it. "My boy...! My beautiful boy...can you truly, truly forgive me?"

He could do this. He could give him what he wanted and at the same time say what he needed to say.

_To his own father._

"I forgive you, Papa."

They held a moment longer before parting. He was _looking_ at him again, but this time with nothing more than love and relief. It was like a huge weight had been pulled off this poor wretch and he felt his stomach clench in remorse.

_No time for that._

"You were lookin' for the knife."

Reality's a bitch as it slaps you across the face. All of it was gone, leaving behind dried, dead leaves of apprehension. He steadied himself and brought the actor back one more time.

"I thought that if you still had it...it would mean that you hadn't changed."

_Just like it was rehearsed. _

"Well, let's go and find it and see."

It was a selfish indulgence, but he held his hand as they walked. He knew that it could go one of two ways; he would use his magic to heal himself and Gold would realize he wasn't Bae (though it wouldn't matter at that point), or he'd realize it beforehand. Either way, a heart would be broken.

But he'd revel for just a few minutes - just a few in what he had.

_A father's love._

~End


	2. Three

Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT

**2x14**

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Three

X -x-x-x-x- X

_Three minutes._

What an odd number of time for him to pick. Why three and not five? Five was a normal number most would pick. Why three?

Three. That wasn't nearly enough. No time was enough. Nothing was enough. Nothing ever would be.

He had his speech all planned out; every explanation, every reason, every detail of why he did what he did and how he managed to find him again. All the threads he had woven just to be standing here.

And just like that, it was gone. All logical thought left his brain. He was standing in front _of his __**son**_ and it might as well been a stranger.

_He looked like one._

Old and tired, worn down by life - not young and carefree like he remembered. He also seemed totally acclimated to this world, like he belonged there all along. He looked just like the rest of the scurrying cockroaches he had to endure at the airport.

His apartment was all his own, simply _normal_ like everyone else. He found himself feeling surreal as he first walked into it. It took all his strength not to throw himself on the bed and breathe him in.

But he had no time for that. He had three minutes. Three _bloody _minutes to bear his soul and convince him he had changed and that he was truly remorseful for what he had done.

Why was this so hard? He had done it before in a cold, dark forest to someone he _hoped_ was his son. A complete stranger _August Wayne Booth_ was and yet it was easier to lay it all on him than it was now.

Perhaps because then he knew August wasn't his son - not really. He just needed to release.

And now because of that, he had nothing left. He should just repeat the words he used that day to the once wooden puppet, but they were stale and left a bad taste in his mouth. Bae didn't deserve leftovers, he didn't deserve _someone else's _words.

_He deserved a father._

But...he hadn't been one in so long. He had no idea where to begin. Mix that with the _dead_ gaze his _child_ was giving him, he fumbled like the coward he always was.

His words came out jumbled and convoluted. One minute he was telling him he could use magic to fix everything and the next he was telling him he had changed.

Honestly, did he really think he would go for having his memories erased and going back to fourteen? He called him insane...

_Maybe he was._

He was down to one minute and now was reduced to _begging. _That was what he did best, after all. Not after he became the Dark One, but after he became the coward.

He wanted to tell him he wasn't always like this.

He used to be jovial and high spirited, normal by all aspects of his humble spinner life. He was fairly happy with Milah and did love her - or as much as he was capable at the time for he had no idea he could love anyone more than that.

But as soon as that cold metal shattered the bone he lost everything about himself.

He no longer had confidence - he was shy and quiet, stuttering and apologizing everywhere he went - hobbled and broken. _Spindleshanks._ Everyone knew what he was; the worst kind of coward. He didn't fight and get injured - that would have been honorable - no, he _cheated._

_Filthy, rotten cheater._

And every second after that had been pure misery.

The only moments that were livable were when his beautiful boy would look up at him. Always with love and adoration, never judgment or criticism. Always seeing the best in him.

_Like Belle used to before his actions tore her away too._

And after he took the Dark One's powers, it all changed. He was scared of him, frightened _for _him and it was never the same. Sure, his leg didn't hurt anymore and he stopped the war - actually _saw_ the battlefield and saved the children, but the one child he wanted love from couldn't anymore without suffering.

_And now he didn't want him._

He wanted to say all of this to him, but all he had was pathetic pleading for mercy, like he did with Hook after he found out Milah had been _taken._

_And he pointed to the door._

After all the deals and schemes and plotting, he finally had faced his _real_ son and it ended up a miserable failure.

_He should have known better._

What did he have left now? What goal was there to accomplish? Go back to Storybrooke and be _trapped there _managing a ridiculous pawn shop day after day with _everyone_ loathing him? If that was to be his destiny he might as well tear off the shawl and become _Mr. Gold _once and for all.

And then his eyes fell on a little boy, smiling up at his newfound father.

Perhaps there was a small light in this after all - a light that would destroy him, apparently. Fitting since all the others were.

_Bae and Belle...and now Henry._

Three things he could never have.

_**Three.**_

~End


	3. Things Unsaid

Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT

**2x21**

* * *

Things Unsaid

X -x-x-x-x- X

He should have known who it was that grabbed him.

There was only one person who would even _dare_ touch him like that. There was only one person besides the woman standing next to him (or what was once the woman) who would _wrap their arms_ around him and _yank_ him away from something he was doing.

It would be nothing to blast whoever it was holding him, but he didn't because he knew there was _only one person._

"Unhand me, sir!" It was reflex as he turned to see it was indeed who he_ knew_ _it was._

She looked at him and he at her.

This should be different. Their first meeting should be so much different. "Belle, this is Baelfire; the son _I threw you away for_. Bae, this is Belle; the woman who tried to help me find you _and lost herself_ _because of it_."

But no. All that remained was Lacey and he had to get rid of her. He didn't want to scare her with magic again and have her shatter something else he cherished. _Like his heart._

He handed her the key, foolishly saying her new name and sent her away. At that point he knew from Bae's face what he had done. What he was thinking.

_If this isn't Belle, the woman you claimed to love so much, then that phone call I witnessed was nothing but a load of crap. You're with some worthless tart showing off your power._

"You know, you haven't changed _one bit_." And there was the proof. He couldn't prove him wrong, not right now. He _had _to earn Lacey's love to get Belle back and whatever it took to do so was worth it in the end. Belle sacrificed herself to help him find Bae. How could he abandon her now?

No, Baelfire would understand soon enough when he finally admitted his feelings for Emma. Bae would get his true love back and he would get Belle. He could wait and let him think what he wanted. _He had time to make up for it_.

And he let him go again, knowing someday he'd fix the things left unsaid.

~End


	4. Bedtime Story

Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT

**2x08**

* * *

Bedtime Story

X -x-x-x-x- X

Henry looked up at him a bit nervous, though for once it was because of what he had to do, and not because he was near him. "What do I tell them?

He smirked a little. "Just listen to my bedtime story and all will be clear."

In that second, it dawned on him; he was sitting next to a bed, a bed with a child in it - _a boy - _who was snuggled in blankets, looking up at him and waiting for him to say something.

"_I'm not tired."_

Dark hair and large innocent brown eyes peering into his soul, just l_ooking _at him, interested in what he had to say.

"_Tell me a story, Papa."_

He froze, if only for a moment - a _tiny_ moment where his breath stopped moving; his heart stopped beating. For this fleeting second - fleeting like a bird's feather carried on the wind - he could pretend. He could pretend he was actually telling a bedtime story to a little boy. A boy who was not afraid of him and used to be.

He knew he shouldn't but he had to, if only to pass his magic into the boy and lull him to sleep, and he swallowed as he rose his hand to hover above Henry's forehead.

Trembling, he stilled himself so he wouldn't be seen.

_Can't be weak._

He placed his hand down on the boy's head and let out a sigh. A sigh that he hadn't burst into flames simply out of Henry being so pure and coming in contact with him.

He relished the moment, but it was to pass. Like a passing desire that would - _could_ - never be fulfilled.

He gently comforted the boy as best he could without seeming too obvious and took in a shaky breath.

"Once upon a time..."

~End


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